You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
