I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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