2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You can't motorboat a personality
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
