a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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