On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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