Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
