I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
