Will you blow on my dice?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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