Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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