i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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