he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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