ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
