ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
organizing the empties. That sober.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
