im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
