We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
