i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
