We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
