I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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