he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
