I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
