I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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