Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize