can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
