Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
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