I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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