We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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