I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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