well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
