so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
