gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
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A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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