I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
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