I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
