i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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