Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
