coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
