What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
