Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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