Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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