I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
