I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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