Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
