I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
