I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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