His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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