Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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