I'm so fucking centered right now
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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