Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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