the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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