i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
