I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
