I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
