He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You made out with two different species that night
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
