I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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