If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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