put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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