if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
